The Gift of Sadness (Part 3)

Thoughtfulness is an under-appreciated virtue in today’s world. It goes beyond remembering a birthday card. It’s being deliberate, almost goal-oriented when it comes to people. Is it possible to be goal-oriented with relationships?

Relationships by their very nature are organic, natural, un-coerced. Yet, most of us would agree, sustaining them takes work. But what kind of work? And is “work” really the right word for it anyway? This is where sadness strangely comes in.

Sometimes the motivation we need to sustain relationships is letting ourselves feel the sadness of not having them anymore. We move from why keep to why not keep? We realize the alternatives to having that person actively in our life are not better.

We move further down the path of what would be a fling-mentality. We don’t use people. We understand the depth of their sacredness and refuse to start something we don’t want or need to finish. We don’t acquire friends, we cultivate friendships.

Of course no one is perfect at this. But we try. And we have all either been through a process or known someone who has directly been through a broken relationship only to head straight way into another. We are all challenge-averted to some degree.

We want things to be easy. We want at least with our precious little “free” time to have someone who will make our lives easier, not more complicated. We want someone who will stroke our fragile ego (in a healthy way) and reinforce our true identities.

The problem is that we are all wanting that same thing. And we are all dealing with the shame of not living up to people we want to be. We fall short. Constantly. We over-sleep. Over-think. Over-eat. Over-simplify. Over-whatever or we don’t.

We are always over or under doing life. And there is no one to tell us we are getting the balance right. We bring that heavy weight into all our relationships. We need. But so do they. But at times our needs become more important than theirs.

Relationships have many layers of complications. Still we manage to make commitments to certain ones. Abandoning certain important ones never feels right. No fault divorce in America really opened this reality up.

It legally allowed (for the first time) easy outs of the most realized committed relationships. Of course there are many who were for the first time able to leave abusive, unhealthy marriages. I’m not sure that’s who benefited most.

The freedom to leave really started changing the nature and definition of marriage. It necessarily became a question of happiness, since nothing else is really binding me to the relationship. I am happier with the person that without?

That may seem like the right question. Don’t know that, simply put, we are capable of answering it ourselves. People forced to existentially deal with that question and make the call were tormented by their own freedom.

The Gift of Sadness (Part 2)

Now the reality is you will find injustice everywhere you look for it. At a mainstream chain family restaurant with my family (we had a gift card) we started talking to the hostess. She was a very laid back, pleasant upper-middle ages hispanic woman.

It was just after Christmas. She admitted to working too much over the holidays (“I can never say no to a shift”) to get her kids stuff and to try to fix her van. As a hostess there - not a waitress, she probably makes only $7 or so an hour.

She probably does not have a college education, was over-weight, and generally schlump-y. As I began to feel sad for her I realized that my being sad for her doesn’t change her situation or make it any better. My sadness does not help.

I will never forget playing music at a homeless shelter for a holiday party. I was playing a rather morose song on the guitar when a bold teenager (what teen is not) said, “man, this is a homeless shelter, we definitely don’t want to hear the blues.”

I had let my head get filled with sympathy and was convinced that somehow me sharing their sorrow (or feeling sorry for them) was helping them. It was also probably my way of apologizing to them for my having and them not having.

It ultimately comes from a scarcity mindset (what some call zero-sum). If I have, others do not have. There is only so much to go around. The “have-nots” will never get ahold of the wealth of the “haves” because there is not enough to go around.

Clearly the homeless teenager knew better than I did. What he was really saying is, “Man, I need a chance. I need resources. I need support. Help me on my way so that I can aspire to my best. I got a lot of life in me.” He didn’t need my sympathy.

And then I may not have had or known about the resources. But I could have (and should have) started a relationship. But I didn’t have time for that. I was too busy serving him. See the stupidity. So much of our charity is the same.

The beautiful news is that any of us can start a relationship. The bottom line of compassion is that. It moves us beyond mere emotion to action, to caring. We will be tempted to see the under-resourced as a problem to be solved.

Don’t! We are starting a relationship, not fixing a car. And human beings are complex creatures full of layers of intricacy. And yes, we are also creatures of habit with strong drives toward the addictive. It all beautifully blends into us.

And loving another human being does not come with instructions. We will feel in-equipped. We are IF the goal is fixing the person. If instead we are there for the person as encouragement, support, and reminders they are in charge, we are not.

We can all love. We can all hope. We can all dream. We can all help others do the same. We will be tempted to look for experts. And certainly at times we will need advice. But there are no experts at love. We are all novices in the field of grace.

The Gift of Sadness (Part 1)

Most people commonly assume happiness is better than sadness. “Why are you making me cry?” one my add after watching a sad movie or reading a sentimental card. They fight back sad emotions and the ensuring physical responses.

Why? Why do we innately fight off sadness? Did our primeval ancestors do the same? Is it a survival instinct? Do we instinctively know it is a dangerous path that can lead to despair? Do we avoid despair to the point of missing the gifts of sadness?

There is certainly danger in entertaining sadness. It is extremely powerful. It has the potent ability to disable or shut down our will. It can lock us in ourselves. Yet oddly, the lack of letting it access us will always lock us away. It seems we need it.

Perhaps there is another way to look at the quotient. Perhaps joy (the penultimate kind which is the apex of the human condition, even beyond emotions) is sadness and happiness properly combined, where infinite and finite meet.

Perhaps our human emotions are not quite capable of interpreting the “data” of true joy. Perhaps the word transcendent or transcendence was created to explain things that uniquely combine or simply ascend beyond typical human emotions.

And perhaps emotions are not really separate from our minds and our ability to interpret what is happening? In joy, we experience something of a light-headedness. Our head spins. We are literally pulled up in a trancelike state of awe and wonder.

Think of a beautiful sunset view, the perfect song at just the right time, the overwhelming feeling of oneness at the end of a great movie. We are left only with what the great writers and poets have called joy, the perfect human emotion.

Joy is the place where infinite sadness and perfect hope meet. It is the place where we have accepted the hard realities of life without giving over to despair; where we have forged our way through courage into a new reality we know not yet.

Sadness is rather a sane, rational emotion in a broken world. No matter one’s philosophy, to believe the world is working perfectly is simply ignoring so many heartbreaking, gut-wrenching realities. Things are broken.

It doesn’t mean there aren’t some beautiful things about life. It doesn’t mean gratitude is not sane (may be a required attitude for survival). But it does mean that some people lead a rather bleak, destitute life void of comforts, care, or relief.

Now it is true that every human has a fundamental freedom to choose their attitude. But some have had that freedom brutally deformed. Some have been abused from early on. Some have been birthed for money only. Some are left for naught.

Humans acclimate to their surroundings. Yes. One born in the bush does not long for air-conditioning he has never experienced. Yet still there are injustices in the world and those who suffer more directly their consequences than others.

From Inspiration to Inspired Work: The Journey to Launching (Part 6)

Everyone “makes” a living somehow. Very few people do something meaningful and directly connected to their passion. Most get something remotely in their “field” but generally they are filling a position that could be replaced by another.

The point is that work is always to some degree work. No matter how closely related to our passion or interest we will inevitably begrudge some aspects of what is needed. We can either do the undesirable things toward our ends or another’s.

The call to launching a career in the arts is an entrepreneurial one by nature. It will be hard. There will be much competition. The in-roads will be rocky, not smoothly paved. It will be hard. But what are the alternatives that seem any better?

We will otherwise give the prime hours of our days to another’s vision. We will have to work hard. We will have to do things that are not meaningful. We may be able to “leave it work.” That is true. But is that the goal? Is our goal detachment from work?

From the very beginning of time surviving on earth has not been easy. We can only imagine the struggles of our pre-historic parents, trying merely to survive in the brutal landscape. It may seem odd to mention but reminds us of our context.

We really don’t have it that bad. And our choice between doing a job we like but don’t love where pay is steady or doing a job we love where pay is uncertain and unstable is really quite an amazing choice. Honestly, it is an American choice.

In many countries still today that choice is not real. The choice is decided for them either by their family, environment, or even times their government. There are few choices offered where we are given complete freedom to decide.

Having a choice at all is a reminder of our great privilege. We live in such a time as to have real freedom. Of course that freedom has great challenges but certainly it outweighs the alternatives. We get to realize our lives by simply willing it.

So we move forward with the sovereign freedom to make our lives exactly what we think they should be. We listen well to our gifts and to our true friends to discover what has already been put in there before we were even born or thought of.

We don’t hesitate or apologize for these gifts. They are ours not by some choice or some willing of our own. That is why they are natural gifts. The gifts are given for the common good beyond that which we can completely comprehend.

One thing we know: if we do not use these gifts they will atrophy upon themselves within us. They are given to be used. They are to be shared. When we do not use them it is as if the whole world is missing them within us.

The world will move on. Our stubborn refusal to use them will not keep the Great One from doing what He will. Another will rise to the challenge. So take care of your gifts. They are treasures to be fought for, wrestled with, and celebrated with the world.

From Inspiration to Inspired Work: The Journey to Launching (Part 5)

Inevitably comes the discussion every artist hates to hear: how are we going to make money? Eventually having amazing products with great craftsmanship and artistry simply does not cut it. What is happening through that to make a living?

This is an awkward discussion at the heart of it. Are we more like the court jesters of old on the payroll of king’s playing for their pleasure and at their command? Or are we the savvy entrepreneurs turning our art into a business enterprise?

Most artists see the “business” side of their work as a necessary evil. They “have” to do this and that. They have to be incorporated, they need an accountant and so on. Some, relative few, see the great potential of making it “big” in their world.

Most daydream about Daddy Warbucks passionately patroning their art without ever encroaching on their creative freedom. Whether its a record label or a publisher or a gallerist, there is some entity out there that can realistically meet that need.

But this is where the dance begins. Some artists will lean almost immediately into that need, taking the first person who comes their way claiming to give them everything they want. They will too quickly jump into the business-side in desperation.

The artist must be patient. He must hone his craft, continue to deliberately determine his course first. The artist has to create the initial buzz. He must push through the initial stages of starting to create a bit of momentum.

This initial period is very hard. It will seem simply overwhelming. It will appear at times hopeless. Push through. One thing at a time. Find one person who can assist in the administrative tasks. Leverage your community and friend resources.

But never forget your primary task: the creative enterprise. Never forget your end product, in music for example, is not a great video or a stunning website. It is the music. And it is learning to invite people into the music with you.

Know your audience. Do you want to make art for elitists (who use art without really consuming it for their advantage)? OR do you want to encourage everyday people getting stuck in the grind of life? Or is it somewhere in between?

We must not forget the myth-making power of art. It has the power to captivate the imagination and inspire great virtue deep in the human heart. We consume it because it gives us some sort of mirror into ourselves and into reality.

That process is worth the effort of going through all the legalities and monetary hassles to make it happen. Many great artists simply get stuck in the how and forget that the art inspires even the how. The instructions are all there in the art.

Think of it: even your business and administrative people find something in the art that captivates them. They are early adopters and even fans. To continue to create and perform inspires and reminds them why they do it and its power.

There is power. Bottom line. Are there ways to discover the outcomes of art and to measure its success in connecting? Probably. Goosebumps are enough for most people. And the sense that they are elevated through the art.

From Inspiration to Inspired Work: The Journey to Launching (Part 4)

At some point in this process we become necessarily detached from everything. We get to the place where we could scrap the whole thing and never miss any of it. At least we think. It is a bit of a fear escape mechanism.

The reality of the work it will take starts to overwhelm us. The daunting sacrifices ahead start to become clearer. Realizing we have one last chance to turn around becomes quite an invitation. It is a mirage. A trick. Don’t believe it.

The truth is that only in the path of your calling will you find what it is you are looking for. Despite the challenges, which abound in every road by the way, the satisfaction will be sufficient. What we can not see in such moments is the joy.

And the energy it brings. We get to cost thinking only. What is the cost? How much will this take? It can freeze us. We don’t have the capital. We don’t have the followers. We don’t have the .... True. Not yet. But we will!

Not even the gates of hell can stop something that God has willed. People who live in their calling have that sort of confidence, resilience, and hope. It is almost non-rational and can certainly attract those who are irrational.

That does not stop it from being true. There is a sense of destiny. We certainly can’t know it perfectly. It definitely teases us. We see only partially, ever, on this side. Still there is a sense of destiny and direction God puts into our hearts.

And it won’t go away. It’s an annoying feeling. It keeps us unsettled, off-balance, awaiting. But that is the point. Not anxiety, but expectancy. We are on the edge of our seats. We are looking for what will happen next. We are excited!

Also slightly terrified. This is no movie we are watching. And we are the main characters. The stakes are high. But we have that thrilling hope that we are on track with some amazing adventure. We are just this side of figuring it out.

Life just unfolds. When we are doing our thing, when we are really in the heart of our calling it simply is. We don’t have to think so much. That is the wonderful thing about gifts, and what is often miscalculated about them: they are free.

Sometimes, since we did not go out and earn them, we miss them. Because they came naturally, we may have overlooked them. Don’t. The things you do by accident are actually at the core of your calling. It will be easy to miss.

Or you will want to tweak the thing you naturally do well to form it into what you think is cooler. You push and pull at something that naturally is already where its best. People will respond the most when what you do is at its purist release.

This requires great vulnerability. It will seem insignificant. It will almost feel passé. Fight through it. Let that go. Stop thinking. No more worrying about what is cool. Cool is always the freedom to do what you do regardless of what others think!

From Inspiration to Inspired Work: The Journey to Launching (Part 3)

In the end we go public because we must. We go public because it is part of being human. We go public because we can not remain private any longer. We go public because we will wither if we do not. We must share!

The artist who insists on staying inside himself and his studio will eventually start to diminish. His inspiration will retract upon itself. If there is no benefit to the people around him, no communal experience of his art at all what is it?

Certainly there is a private benefit to following through on something and creating a piece. For the novice who does it as a fun hobby on the side that may be enough. Though even then there is probably a familial experience of the piece.

“What is that?” “I didn’t know you painted.” “That is really good.” Etc. A small group of family and friends will weigh in. But if enough people see it and sing consistently of its praises one can not help but think there is a calling in there somewhere.

The part that feels like compromise for the artist is subjugating ourselves to the “rules” of the economic system. The system is an amoral set of almost mathematical realities. There is no purity in beating the system or figuring out a way to make money.

It feels cheap. It feels below an artist, who should not be thinking of such things. And of course the great ones had the luxury of not having to think about it too much, at least it seemed. They seemed to be well-funded by patrons from this side of history.

The reality, of course, is that they struggled, at least at certain points of their career. They all got to those breaking points where they had to turn something up or else. And life sort of requires we get to those squeeze points to find out who we are.

Do we have a catalyst in our lives? Do we have someone who can push us? Do we have someone who can translate our art into a viable living? Do we have a business partner, or manager? Is there such a person whom we can actually trust?

For Adele (and many others) it was probably Mark Ronson, someone who stays off to the side. He helped get her going. She actually opened up for Amy Winehouse in 2008. But isn’t that always the case? Everyone starts as a opener.

That’s something the process requires. For Adele the journey probably seemed like a lifetime. To us the public it went rather quickly. From 2008 to her huge hit album in 2011-12 to her 4-year hiatus till now. Whoa. Perfection.

And of course no one could have seen that happening in 2008. Amy Winehouse was the star. She had everything going. She has the voice, the intrigue, the sultry thing, etc. What a turn around a few years can bring. Only God knows.

Our job is not to know. It is not even to predict. Our job is to envision success. Our job is to imagine the outcome with hope and life. What could it look like? Don’t get hung up on the process or the details, just get to the end product!